The Godfather – La Vendetta

Scene: The Godfather standing in front of his garage looking over 26 cars. Dressing in his pink Speed Racer outfit, Hermes scarf tied around the neck, high Prada boots, Lacroix sunglasses, and the usual long blond wig.

- Vito!

- Yes Godfather?

- Vito… did you have the Rolls detailed?

- I am sorry Godfather, but I called Jemaine and apparently he had a death in the family.

- Well. I’ll take the Ferrari instead. I kind of hate this car, but you know, not everyone owns a Blue Mozart Ferrari.

- Yes Godfather. Ever since you stole it from Don Luv, he is trying to get back at you. Poor man, and on top of everything he is colorblind!

- Vito! (slap in the face). I did not still anything; he forgot the car here after that dreadful incident with Hilda. And why is he color blind?

- Well Sir, the car is obviously purple!

- Vito! (slap in the face)… Purple your ass, the car is blue, blue Mozart!

- Yes godfather. I’ll bring the car around.

(A few hours later)

(Vito’s phone rings… “YMCA, It’s fun to be at the YMC…”)

- Godfather’s assistant, may I help you?

- Vito! You enormous peace of crap, slap your own face!

- Yes Godfather (self slap), but what happened?

- Someone try to kill me!

- Dear God!

- Vito! (Slap yourself again). God has nothing to do with this. Come pick me up and we will discuss it!

- Yes Godfather (another self slap), but where are you sir?

- I am at the gates!

- The gates? The gates of what?

- The gates of hell you Village People loving fat bastard!

- Yes Godfather. I am on my way!

- And Vito. Call Miss S. Bombomlazangny. Desperate times call for desperate measures!

- But Godfather, she is in Osmussaar!

- Say what? Osmu the who?

- Osmussaar sir… it is an island off the cost of Estonia.

- Vito… I envy these people with creativity. However, what ever happened to New York, Paris, London, Rome… Why in the hell people choose an island with an awful and unpronounceable name to go visit?

- Well sir, apparently there is a big hit persons congress there.

- Well, I don’t care… I need the best hit person I can get! Make her an offer… an offer she can’t refuse!

- Yes Godfather, but she won’t be back for another month!

- I will get my revenge Vito… You will see… “La vendetta è un piatto che va gustato freddo!”
- Yes Godfather

The Godfather – Who’s Vito?

Scene: The Godfather standing in the middle of his very sober panic room in his Gucci sweatpants and D&G t-shirt. 2.000 bottles of Stella, 2.000 cases of Beluga Caviar, 2,000 white towels, 2.000 cans of red bull, 2.000 “E” pills, 2,000 copies of Titanic, 2.000 red and black Hermes’ scarves and 2.000 black left-hand gloves with only the middle finger cut off.

- Vito!

- Yes Godfather?

- Vito, (Godfather sobbing) you have no idea who left us!

- Oh Godfather. So I’ve heard. I am very sorry sir!

- Vito! I believe I am going to lock myself in my panic room until someone figure out a cure for all our addictions!

- But Godfather! You will die in there!

- No, Vito! I will life forever through my eccentricities. I will never be forgotten.

- But Godfather! That’s not what I said. I said you would die in there…

- Vito (gentle slap in the face), What are you saying… that I’ll die and no one will remember me?

- No sir! (Well, with this much ego, how could we? just thought)

- Yes Vito… I will die but I will not be forgotten!

- But Godfather, what am I suppose to do?

- Vito, my faithful shield-men, I have no fucking idea, but I felt you a shit load of money, so go buy yourself an island, a midget and plane and call it Vito’s Land or something as corny.

- But Godfather! Who is Vito without you?

- I don’t know Vito… but I don’t want to be part of a world without Barack Obama!

- What are you talking about, Godfather?

- Vito (very strong slap in the face), he died you moron!

- But sir, it was Michael Jackson who died!

- What!?

- Yes Godfather!

- Vito! (another slap), I told you not to mess with my xanax, my valium, my beer, my weed, my E, and my vicky! I can’t see straight without them.

- I am sorry sir!

- Well, he was not as black as Barack... but he was as famous, as complicated, as powerful and as well-known. He will have to do!

- What are you doing sir!

- Goodbye Vito! Goodbye my dear old Vito… (Sobs)… But don’t forget to open this fucking door in a couple hours… I don’t want to be known as the guy who drowned in his own life.
- Yes Godfather!