The Godfather – Intimidation for all! (part two)

Scene: The Godfather lying in his enormous bed holding the newspaper. Golden silk sheets, 250 throw pillows on the floor, dimed lights, and the fire place burning the last of the morning wood.

- Vito… Vito!

- Yes Godfather?

- Vito, (slap in the crotch) I told you to keep Hilda in her cage last night!

- But I did sir. Someone must have let her out! I am sorry sir!

- Sorry! You should be begging for your life. We are in the newspaper today!

- What do you mean sir?

- What do I mean… You fuck. She ate Don Luvetta!

- What? But I saw him leaving this morning with three of the vertically challenged go-go girls!

- What? (slap in face)

- Yes sir! Oh, come to think of it… he smelled pretty awful, She must have pooped him out!

- Oh, thank God! Can you imaging me explaining such a thing to that ambulance umbrella looking bitch wife of his?... Oh, dear Anna… I am sorry to tell you but Don Luv has climbed the roof… and she would go: “OH, MY GOOD, INHÉUM… HOW IS HE, INHÉUM?... WHY WAS HE CLIMBING THE ROOF, INHÉUM?”... Well, that's an expression (you moron - I tought) But he is ok. Hilda ate him but pooped him out right away!... and she would go: “I TOLD HIM NOT TO MIX WITH LIKES OF YOU, INHÉUM!... AND WHAT THE FUCK IS HILDA, INHÉUM?”… Hilda is my pet hippo. “NOT EVEN A HIPPO WANTED THAT WORKAHOLIC, FLAMENCO GUITAR PLAYING, WINE DRINKING, RISOTTO EATING, SON OF BITCH, INHÉUM?... Well, Anna, Hilda is very particular about her diet (ooops, time to shut up)…

- Well, Godfather, I would go a different way…

- Than how, you fatso!

- Well, I would have told her he came for the usual Friday night Russian Rolette Poker game and he lost!

- That is true Vito… sometimes you amaze me with your wisdom.

- Thank you sir

- And Vito… get me a coke with lots of ice, a tomato juice and two Tylenol. This hangover is killing me.

- Yes Godfather!

The Godfather – Intimidation for all! (part one)

Scene: The 200 square-foot pool at the Godfather’s town house in Soho. The Godfather in his gray and purple striped Armani tuxedo, red high-heel Manolo’s, a Lacroix handbag hanging from the arm and his usual long blond wig.

- Vito

- Yes Godfather?

- Is everything ready for tonight’s soiree?

- Yes Godfather. We have the best caterer in town from Cipriani’s, 250 cases of Dom Perignon, that iceberg-water from Japan you love so much and the strawberry gel truck, along with the dwarfs should be arriving any minute now. All of the invitations are RSVPed and we should have a full house today, sir!

- That is fantastic Vito. (slap in the face). You are the man!

- Thank you sir. Would you like me to let Texugo out tonight sir?

- Yes Vito. Him and the dwarfs in their bikinis will be a great addition to the soiree. We shall have a great time, but keep Hilda in her cage, you know how she gets during these parties!

- Godfather, would you like me to send Stefan to pick up Don Luvetta at the bus stop?

- Vito! (another slap). You pick him up! When he sees that Guatemalan pool-queen, I mean pool-boy; he will think we ordered a hit. And Vito! Why is he riding the bus?

- Well sir, apparently there was much confusion to the real color of his car and to avoid more embarrassing discussions he decided to sell it to you sir.

- Oh, I see, so that's how that strange flower-box came to be in my yard?

- Yes Sir. And I am sorry for not telling you sir.

- Vito (slap, slap). And why did you painted it in Frida Calo-purple?

- I am sorry sir. That is the real color of the car.

- Well, I see. I believe we should donate it to the Hamptons' YMCA. They will use it wisely at next year's parade. And Vito, You did not forget to specify that tonight is boys’ night, right?

- Not at all Godfather. And don’t worry; Misses Anna H. Luvetta is out of town.

- That is great… I hate that bitch. I mean, she sounds like a full ambulance on the way to the hospital, inhéum, inhéum, inhém… God! How can someone put up with that woman for so long?

- Maybe she is good in bed, Godfather!

- Vito! (slap in the mouth). Shut the fuck up. She looks like an umbrella with a pretty face painted on it. I mean, a beach umbrella. Have you seen the size of that woman? Come on, hugging her must be like hugging a cold steel pole during winter; after a few hours you realize that nothing is going to happen and you got your tong stuck somewhere undesirable.

- Yes Godfather. Oh, the dwarfs and the gel are here. I will show them to the pool.

- Vito! (another slap). Before I forget... vertically challenged go-go girls! Don’t forget that Don Malanzzagni will be here tonight and he is very PC.

- Is he a communist, sir?

- Vito! (another slap). I told you to lay off the porn, you ignorant sorry excuse for a… ah, whatever! Just do as you are told and don’t say anything embarrassing. I mean, don’t say anything at all.

- Yes Godfather!

The Godfather – The devil in the pink details

Scene: Austin Martin Limo parked in front of the Godfather's townhouse in Soho. 23 Louis Vuitton suit cases in the trunk and 12 piled up on the curb. The Godfather in his Burberry overcoat, holding his pink passaport in one hand and his Burberry travel bag on the other. Knee-long Prada boots and his usual long blond wig.

- Vito! Move your fat ass or I’ll miss my plane!

- Yes Godfather! But sir, the plane is yours. I believe they will wait for you.

- Vito! (slap in the face). Yes. That is true! But you know I need these vacations!

- Yes Godfather. (Vito thinking: I don’t know why. The man does nothing, but drinking, partying and shopping 24/7).

- Vito! (another slap). That one you deserved. And stop thinking bullshit or I’ll give you a fresh one!

- I am sorry Godfather.

- Vito! Did you place Texugo’s tail in Don Luvetta’s denture glass as I requested?

- Yes Godfather!

- Good. I bet he will stop harassing me about that stupid book. I mean, why in the hell people read a book about the sex life of a girl and pony?

- There are some sick people in this world, Godfather.  I mean, people still read Paulo Coelho's books... can you imagine having sex with Frodo?

- Vito! You sick ignorant bastard. That was Brida and not Frodo. But come to think of it... they both suck!

- Yes Godfather.

- And Vito, I know you like some kinky stuff now and again! But you should slow down on the porn and start reading a bit. Maybe find someone to share life... you know!

- Yes Godfather.

- Vito! Let’s cut the bullshit. You know what? I don’t feel like going to San Fran anymore. Move the bags into the house and let’s unpack!

- You know what Godfather? I am tired of your bullshit. You want to go, you want to stay… what the fuck? I mean, make up you mind, I am not your slave, you know? And when will give me the respect and value I deserve? I do everything around here... I take care of you, I wash, I clean, I cook, I drive and I have to be all groomed for when you get home! And what’s with the slapping? My god… how could I put up with you for so many years?

- Vito! (slap in the face). What are you, day dreaming? Wake up and get the bags!

- Yes Godfather.

The Godfather – Thank God for Obama

Scene: the Godfather sitting in a lawn chair beside the pool, a cosmopolitan in one hand and a Daniel Craig popsicle on the other. A fluffy black Chanel robe hanging in the back of the chair, and a towel around the waist. Havaianas flip-flops next to the chair.

- Vito!
- Yes godfather.
- Get me another one of these Dan Craig suckables. I love them.
- Yes Godfather
- Sir, we are all out of Daniel Craig. Would you like an Obama or a Cher?
- Vito! (slap in the crotch) I told you to get some more yesterday.
- I am sorry Godfather. I was on duty at the Aspen YMCA.
- OK then. (another slap). But do not forget next time. And give me Cher, Obama melts too fast and is way too big.
- Soooooo… Vitoooo! How was it at the “Y” yesterday?
- Please Godfather!?
- Oh… shut up you… big baby you… get yourself an Obama and go play! And Vito! (another slap). This is for not letting me sleep with Texugo on Sunday, I hope you are treating him with respect.
- Yes Godfather.