The Godfather – Divine Intervention

Scene: Hunting grounds at the Godfather’s estate. The Godfather in his full hunting outfit; high Prada boots, large hunting hat with a single peacock feather, a 12-gauge shotgun in one hand, a Prada camouflage bag on the other and his usual long blond wig covered with a Hermes scarf.

- Vito!

- Yes Godfather?

- Vito, have you spoken to Don Luvetta about the continuance of the Lindsay and the Pony book?

- Yes Godfather, and he asked me to tell you that he will not stop harassing you until it is finished.

- But Vito! (slap in the face) Did you make him an offer?

- Yes Sir, nonetheless he was very determined about it. He told me that only the book or some Divine intervention will make him shut up about it.

- Vito (slap in the face), no one threatens Don Godfather!

- Yes Godfather, but he is a very popular Don and you know how he can be very stubborn, especially in the absence of Miss Anna H. Luvetta.

- Divine intervention! He will experience my Divine intervention once and for all!

- Yes Godfather!

- Vito! Go to Don Luvetta’s house and bring me Texugo!

- But Godfather, that is his loving award-winning salsa-dancing pet? How can you think of such a thing?

- Vito (slap in the face), do not argue with me. I am the Godfather.

- Yes Godfather, right away sir.

(…Couple of hours later…)

- Vito (slap in the face), what took you so long?

- I am sorry Godfather, but you have no idea how hard it is to shove a 300-pound pig in the back of a VW Bug!

- Vito (slap in the face), I do know! Haven’t I done that with you countless times?

- Yes Godfather. And what shall we do with him?

- Vito! Take him to the barn. I will decide what to do in the morning.

- Yes Godfather.

- And Vito (slap in the face), this is for having me do such despicable things.

- Yes Godfather.

The Godfather – In the name of the son

Scene: The godfather standing in the middle of his dressing room wearing nothing but… well, nothing. The bare skin only showing the heaviness of aging and the long forgotten tattoos. The Owl, the Frog, the Mosquito and the Wardrobe.

- Vito!... Vito!
- Yes Godfather?
- Where were you? I’ve been calling for hours!
- I am sorry Godfather, I was killing the monkey!
- Vito! (slap in the face) the expression is spanking the monkey otherwise you would need a gun not those boxing gloves.
- Yes Godfather. But it was an actual monkey – Maguila, I believe was his name. He invaded the kitchen and drank all of the beer.
- I see, is he dead?
- Yes Godfather
- Good! I hate drunk animals; they remind me of myself.
- Vito! Help me pick out an outfit for today. Today is the big day. My godson will be baptized and introduced to the Holy Church, I mean Church, because ever since that beer episode it is not so holy anymore. Anyway, I need to look my best; otherwise I may go to hell for showing up at Church looking like a slob.
- Yes Godfather. But isn’t vanity an original sin?
- Vito! (slap in the face). God and I have an agreement. He does not mess with my business and I mess with his – A lot! got it?
- Yes Godfather.
- Vito! I also need something for this afternoon, for the birthday party and there is nothing in this closet.
- But Godfather…
- Vito! (slap in the face). No buts. Fetch the car and call Lagerfeld to tell him I am on my way. Also call Bjork and ask her if she still has that swan dress? I am betting it is very appropriate.

- Yes Godfather

P.S.: As requested, the Godfather is back.

The Godfather III

Scene: White Crown Victoria with red velvet interior parked in front of the Church of the Reborn (after renovations). Vito sitting in the driver’s sit as the Godfather walks out of the Church wearing a poka-doted black and white Armani suite, Manolo’s and a long blond wig.

- Vito (slap in the face). Wake up and open de door. Let’s get the hell out of here. I almost feel blessed. Yaiks!
- Yes Godfather.
- Vito!
- Yes Godfather
- I had a breakthrough!
- What do you mean Godfather?
- I realized that these were the most meaningless 2 and half hours of my life. It was overwhelming to hear the stupidity that comes out of ones mouth in the name of faith and religion but...
- But Godfather, was everything useless?
- Vito (slap in the back of the neck or pedal, Robinho!). Let me finish!
- Yes Godfather
- Vito, this was a cry for help. No one goes to Church anymore and they basically invited us to be a part of their community. They went on and on about family, God, Church, community and so forth, but the really interesting part was when this old man pulled a bottle of Stella and a can of Cristal from a bag.
- So there was a party in the end?
- Vito!
- Yes Godfather.
- (Another pedal, Robinho!). Shut up and listen you sorry excuse for a queen, I mean gangster!
- Yes Godfather.
- Well, he pulled the beer out of the bag to explain to us how to make a donation. He went on to say that if one drinks Stella he should donate more money than those who drink Cristal. Isn’t that something?
- Yes Godfather. And how much did you donate?
- Vito, (another pedal, Robinho!). Are you out of your mind? I did not make a donation, but I did steel the bottle of Stella. Did you remember to bring the ice?
- Yes Godfather.
- Vito! Lets go to the Malanzzagni´s house. I need some real people and some beer in me.
- Yes Godfather.


* The end *


P.S.: objects in mirror are closer than they appear = not everything you read here is a complete fabrication.

The Godfather II

Scene: Bedroom decorated as a decadent Chinese bordello, heavy red velvet drapes, a large king size bed with 500 throw-pillows on top, an autographed picture of Liza Minnelli on the mantle and the Godfather sitting in a deep-red velvet chaise in his usual silk robe, his long blond wig and also his favorite pair of Manolo’s.

- Vito!

- Yes, Godfather?

- Vito, bring the car around, you are driving me to Church today. I have baptism school.

- Yes, Godfather.

- And Vito!

- Yes, Godfather?

- What ever happened to that prick? I mean priest?

- He decided to abandon Church and started a boy band. They call themselves The Devil’s Baby Boys or Teedeebeebee or googoodaadaa or something. I hear they sing wearing only devil’s tail and horns.

- Vito!

- Yes Godfather?

- (Slap in the face). Next time, follow my orders to the dot.

- Yes Godfather.

- Uh, poka-dot! Vito, get me my poka-doted Armani suit.

- Which one Godfather, the black and white or the grey and pink?

- Vito (another slap). We are going to church, the black and white, definitely!

- Yes Godfather.

* To be continued *